Seattle

Today, The Oklah.. errr.. Seattle Sonics’ attorney ripped a sports economist hired by the City of Seattle a new one in court, Ray Allen got himself a championship ring with the Boston Celtics, and Howard Schultz is still a pathetic piss-ant.

What is going to happen with the Sonics? The city of Seattle wanted to demonstrate to the court that the Sonics’ economic impact on the region is immeasurable, and that they should be required to fulfill the final 2 years of their lease with Key Arena. I would sure like to see that happen, even though people don’t seem to believe in contracts any longer in the sports world. The fear in Seattle is that the new dipshit in charge of the Sonics (Clay Bennett) will find a way to buy out their end of the contract and scram as early as next season, back to Oklahoma City where the current ownership group has wanted to move them from the beginning. In a story lacking anything positive for residents of this region, we did have a note of comic relief today. The nu Sonics attempted to discredit an expert testifying for the city that they had previously attempted to hire for their side of the argument. I guess that’s how they roll in Oklahoma – if you can’t buy em, slander em! Yee-haw!

Ray Allen was traded out of Seattle last offseason because he didn’t fit their plan to disengage the fan base, ultimately making the team easier to move. You will remember the Mariners and the Seahawks almost left Seattle in the past 20 years, but the fans and/or local government stepped up to keep them here. Clay Bennett and company knew better than to let the same sentiment capture their new team. So they began slicing off piece after piece, reducing the team to a bunch of people we don’t even know. The master plan of deception started with the release of David Locke, Rashard Lewis and Ray Allen and finished with a couple new rookies courtesy of high draft picks, as well as a stodgy coach from the east coast. These “strangers” were then kept away from local sports TV and radio stations, so as to maintain the severe disconnect in the local area over the course of the past season. You want to know how the hell a fuckstick group like this got ahold of our team anyway?

That’s where Howard Schultz comes in. Aside from trying to sink his first love, Starbucks, he is solely responsible for the Sonics’ current situation. Out of nowhere, he appeared to rush the sale to a group known around the league for wanting to bring a team to Oklahoma City. To make matters worse, they exchanged public handjobs with the commissioner of the NBA, who miraculously offered ZERO support for keeping the team in Seattle, their current home of over 40 years. That’s great branding, everyone. Nate McMillan, aka Mr. Sonic, must have seen some serious writing on the wall when he left town a couple years ago to coach in Portland. We were all shocked at the time, and Nate was too classy to give us the real reason for his early departure: Howard Schultz.

You can change your coffee logo to look like a brown Rohrshach inkblot, discontinue your immensely successful line of breakfast sandwiches, and even switch your default milk from whole to 2%. It’s easy for me to switch to Tully’s. Howard, when you fuck with the Sonics, you really piss people off. I believe you deserve every ounce of public ridicule and verbal abuse you endure when visiting your [once] hometown. Cheers to your new summer home in Oklahoma City, asshole.

Almost forgot.. congratulations to Ray Allen and happy birthday to me!